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Oct. 7th, 2008 @ 12:43 pm Finding Joy
About this Entry
Current Location: in my bed
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: music from the Finding Joy movie
A dear friend from my home state of Kentucky emailed this to me. I want to share it with all of you. I hope you find a way to bring joy into your life, if you don't have it already.

Sep. 15th, 2008 @ 12:16 pm Fursuits and Furries
About this Entry
Current Location: Room 217, Silver Reef Casino, Hotel & Spa
Current Mood: mellowmellow
I found this video while surfing Youtube. I thought it was cool.

Aug. 26th, 2008 @ 02:06 am It's almost Christmas...
About this Entry
Current Location: living room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: 'Trash' by The London Suede
...and I'm still pretty much holding to what I said in my very first entry. I like to think I'm doing better, but I just don't know. I'm so unsure of things and I can't tell who of those that are close to me really gets it...and/or if they really care. Maybe I need meds or something. I don't want to become an alcoholic, though it would probably be very easy. I have enough problems that I'd like to drown out. I'm tired of feeling sad most of my waking hours, I really am.
Aug. 10th, 2008 @ 03:40 am Thinking about life and love
About this Entry
Current Location: my living room

Maybe I feel things too deeply. Maybe I'm just going through a 'phase'. I don't know what to call it. Then again, I never know what to call it when I feel like this. The word I'll use for now is disconnected. Yea, that's a good word to describe it.

The thing is, I've been in good company tonight. My roomie and I ran around together this afternoon while I took care of a few errands. We had an early dinner at the local Mongolian grill (burgundy cooking wine and curry sauce FTW) and used the free wifi in the shopping center to do some catching up on FA; I did an eBay ad too. We caught the late movie and saw Dark Knight (if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it). After we got home, however, the emptiness started to set in again.

It's always like I'm missing something. I had this feeling even before I got to Idaho. Since I've been here though, it's just made itself more prevalent. I can determine a few reasons why. I'm away from anything familiar (family, surroundings, etc). I once had security in the form of a nicely established career, but I gave it up to attempt to start life over. I tore myself out of the fabric of everything I knew as life and just left it behind. Why? I know it's been a hard year. Divorce. Facing a complete change in how I live. Trying to pick up the pieces and have some form of a life again. The stigma of coming out in a world where God was supposed to be #1 and everything else would supposedly fall into place, as I was assured on more than one occasion.

It hasn't been so easy for me. I had almost nothing to fall back on in my old world. I say almost, mainly because there was Steve, who I've mentioned before as being the only father figure I've had in my life. He's always been there when my family needed him and during my divorce was no exception. He took me right in when my ex kicked me out. I was welcome to stay as long as I needed to get back on my feet. So why did I leave? I had it made, right? I guess the point I knew was relevant was I need to be on my own, not depending on someone else to basically support me. I couldn't place that burden on Steve, not after what my mother has put him through. I don't want to end up a financial burden on anyone.

Speaking of my mother, you would think that I'm perhaps heartless for leaving my family behind. Well, I had to. I know I'm no shining example of normalcy, but I want more from life than what they seem to want. I need to be connected to the world around me. I don't want to just be a homebody and sit there watching life go by. I can't do that. I won't do that. I really don't have all the words I could use to describe more reasons for leaving my family behind, but I know if I had stayed I'd rather just blow my brains out.

So when I moved to Idaho to be with my best friend I guess everything was supposed to be just rosy. I will say I'm thankful for the chance to relocate to a new and exciting place. It is a rather nice area. The people I've encountered to date have been nothing but friendly. My roomie is an unusual sort, but so am I. I don't have employment just yet but that will come soon enough. I guess I'm just having a hard time feeling like I belong here. The only people I 'know' are my roomie and, to a smaller degree, his parents and sister. Maybe when I get a job and have more folks to talk to I'll branch out more on the social level. Don't get me wrong – my roomie/best friend is good company, but a lot of times I feel like I'm not the company he deserves. I can't ever gauge whether I'm 'fitting in'. Maybe I shouldn't worry about such things, but a teeny bit of affirmation now and then, especially for an outsider like me, would be helpful. Am I being unreasonable or stupid? Probably.

In addition to life being completely changed for me, there's the aspect of love. Whether we admit it, we all need it in some way. I know, and acknowledge, that I certainly do. I continue to hope for the day when I'll have that special man with whom I can share my life and that wants me to be the mate in his. Until then, I'll just play the role of hopeless romantic. It seems to come easy for me. I can't help that I imagine days where I walk down the street holding hands or nights cuddling in the arms of someone who truly loves me. A furry friend and I were having a discussion on this subject one night. It was kinda scary that we both had similar romantic visions, two in particular that come to mind at the moment. One, a long walk hand-in-hand down the beach on a warm summer evening. Two, lying together on a blanket in the grass under a star-filled night sky. That's the good stuff, folks. Perfectly made for sharing with someone special.

Is hoping for romance asking for too much, really? I'd like to hope not. I'm sure I'm not the first to say something like what I've written here, but like those before me I'm admitting that I long for it. So sue me for going public with it. I don't really give a damn. When you get to a certain point in life, you don't worry so much what others think when it comes to meeting your needs, especially in the area of love. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you know what sort of mate will meet your needs. I will admit my needs are not met as of yet, but I am consciously working toward it.

In the meantime, I can be thankful for the intimate encounters I've experienced to date. I'll go on record and say I'm not just a fuck. There has to be at least some connection if I'm going to be intimate with someone. I'm not out for sex just to divide and conquer. Nope, not worth it to me. I'd rather be alone than be a basic slut.

Meh, I don't know what the hell to say to sum all this up. I'm just lonely. I need to thank everyone who has actually taken time to read my rather lengthy journal entries. I usually have a lot on my mind and LJ has been a helpful outlet to make things known to those with whom I choose to share. Please feel free to share your comments, or if you're not comfortable with public commenting you know how else to get hold of me. I'm a big kitty and can take criticism too.

Aug. 7th, 2008 @ 04:03 pm Great Expectations?
About this Entry
Current Location: some on the plane home, some in the Latah County Public Lib.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Music Of The Night - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Before I get into the fine details of my long weekend, I'll say two things. First off, I still get nervous at every plane takeoff, no matter how many times I fly. Just one of those thing I guess considering the crash of ComAir Flight 5191 in Lexington, Kentucky two years ago; that happened about 20 minutes east of my former home. Second, it's weird to use the bathroom when the surface underneath your feet shakes every so often. Gotta love turbulence.

With that said, Fur Affinity: United 2008 was an interesting experience, to say the least. I really didn't have much of a clue what to expect outside of some third-party information. I heard more than once that I picked a good conference to attend for a first one due to its small size. I was also told that nothing is really formal. Good for me since I hate dressing up for much of anything. Call me a slob; I really don't give a shit. I managed to learn the difference between Artist Alley and the Dealer's Den. Then there was something about a fursuit parade. Hoo boy.

I'm already having withdrawals. I'd love to start FA:U 08 over again. Of course I'd do some things differently, but it was still pretty awesome. I made some new friends and got to put some faces with artist names that I had seen before. Oh, and I got to hug FURSUITS!!! I just love fursuits. I mentioned that to someone standing next to me as I was giving one a hug, so they asked me how much I loved them. I said so much that I shouldn't discuss it in front of the kiddos. Anyway.... >.>

I don't really have any particular logical order to talk about FA:U in, so I'll mention the bands first. Whoever handled the talent lineup did a great job. The bands rocked the house. They also need to be invited back for future cons. They were a lot of fun. The Shitty Grape Lollipops were sexy too. =D

My roommates were pretty cool for the most part. There ended up being 7 of us to start including Callee McBorder, Zelraen (Tristenova on FA), Wolfattwilight, MagWolf11 (FA name?), Aegis Fox (FA name?), Lhayne Pony (FA name?), and myself. It was an interesting mix of furs to put in one room. I can't quite remember everyone's FA names at the moment. I think everyone did ok with the sleeping arrangements in spite of it being pretty cozy. It certainly helped with the cost for accommodations so I didn't hear any real complaints.

Did I mention I really, really like fursuits? Can we say major ADD all weekend?

Artist Alley and the Dealer's Den were awesome. I met several artists I hadn't heard of before and a few that I actually had. Familiars were Fossil (does the 'Jurassic Beauties' collection), LikeShine (she is such a sweetheart), Fluke (looked nothing like I thought he would), and SolidAsp. I need to take a moment here and say that SolidAsp is an incredibly great guy. If you ever get a chance to talk to him, don't hesitate. He didn't look anything like I thought he would either, but just to pause and make some light conversation was great – he was so polite and easy to talk to. He's not too hard on the eyes, either.

Some other artists I highly recommend just based on my experiences are Sunitai, Sapphire, BushyCat, Sebastian Silverfox, Caribou, Painted Dog, Misplaced Spigot, and Alex Spastic. I may not have formatted these names just perfectly so you may have to search for them a bit on FA or DA. There were lots of kickass artists as a whole.

I'll take another moment and say that Sebastian's fursuit, Fayd, was my favorite of the whole con. Fayd is inspired by the kitsune and made for a fursuit that absolutely enamored me. I'll post pictures when I can, but first I want to get artist permissions. I haven't had a chance to do that just yet. I wish I could have caught everyone's names in terms of fursuits, but a few that stand out are Duncan, Foxwell, Skittle, Kai, Wags, Midori, RoxieCat, Spunky, and Ganador. They were just so much fun and full of energy. Foxwell pretty much skipped or went really fast everywhere he went. Although my favorite suit goes to Fayd, Duncan stole my and my roomies' hearts. His dog suit was really cute. He was so sweet and just fun to chat with (yes, he actually talked to us a bit. Don't get all bent out of shape about the so-called 'cardinal rule' of fursuiting.). Hell, as much as we kept running into him he couldn't help but talk now and then. I even got to give him a bit of a shoulder massage in the hotel lobby...total awesome sauce. <3

There was one major downside to the con. I'll make the disclaimer that it's from my own (possibly selfish) perspective, but the feelings were still very real and it took me a while to deal with them. It still leaves a bitter taste in my muzzle.

I paid for the #1 Fan package. Since it was my first ever furcon, I figured I'd go all out. Well, I could have saved myself $220, paid for the basic package, and still had just as good a time with some cash and feelings to spare. Sure, I got a windbreaker-type jacket and a picture of the theme art, but I wasn't overly impressed at all. Not to mention, I thought there was supposed to be some kind of dinner or lunch thing with the guests of honor (SolidAsp and Fluke), but nothing ever happened; I was truly disappointed at that, even heartbroken. I was dying to meet them and possibly have some quality time for talking, especially since I admire both of them. Again, maybe I'm being a selfish ass here, but I didn't feel like a #1 Fan. A very expensive lesson on my part. Sure, I'm helping support FA with the extra cash output, but a bit better of a 'thank you' or some kind of public acknowledgment would have been nice. There were other #1 Fans there...I'm curious what they thought of the whole thing. With all the ceremonies and things that went on, I never heard a thanks from anyone in charge to those who went over the top and got the so-called-on-FA:U's-website 'The king of the hill. The motherload.' (yea, right, sure). That wouldn't have even mattered, truly, if I had gotten to spend some quality time with the guests of honor. That would have been the icing on the cake for me. Oh well...once again I had my hopes up about things and they turn out just as most everything else does: a letdown. On top of that, who knows when I'll make another con. Plain ol' Dave continues to sit on the sidelines...

Anyway, hindsight is always 20/20. I'd do a few things differently, but overall it was a good first con. I can't thank my roomies enough for being absolutely wonderful company (at least, they know which ones they are). Without them, the con would have been much lonelier for me. Perhaps things will be different at one of the larger cons. I live really close to Further Confusion and Rain Furrest, so....maybe another year. Whatever future con I may attend, you can bet your ass this tiger's not putting forth any extra cash for a so-called fringe benefit or perk that won't ever come to fruition. Now I'm gonna find the Listerine to try and get that bitter taste out.

Jul. 18th, 2008 @ 11:08 am Odds & Ends before moving
About this Entry
Current Music: If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It - Al Stewart
This will likely be my last LJ entry for a while to finish up packing and moving. The furniture guy got here shortly after 9 this morning and quickly had everything in the back of the U-Haul. He was really a nice guy and very efficient at his job - worth every cent of the $30 I paid him. I couldn't have done all that myself. Anyway, I still have odds and ends to throw in laundry baskets or totes or whatever I can find. I'm tired of being neat and wanna get this shit D-O-N-E. Ya feel me??

Also FYI, I'll be taking my network apart Saturday morning and won't be online unless I find easy-to-reach wifi access while on the road, or after I settle in Idaho. I don't plan on making many stops between Kentucky and Idaho, so I'll be scarce. I'll have my cell phone on if anyone wants to call and say hi. If you don't have my # but want it, just IM me and ask. I'll have messengers on til Saturday morning.

I need to take time and say a great big fat "THANK YOU" to everyone who has encouraged me and tried to relieve my anxieties about moving. I've been really emo or whatever lately, and I acknowledge that. I wouldn't have made it through some bad days and nights without all of you. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, truly.  <333

I don't know what else to say now, so I'll keep this short. Wish me luck - I'm gonna need it.
Jun. 23rd, 2008 @ 12:30 pm More thoughts on moving
About this Entry
Current Location: Konran's and MetalWoof's apartment
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: John Mayer - Come Back To Bed
As I sit here in Konran's and MetalWoof's living room catching up on some little things (wireless internet FTW!), I started reflecting on this weekend. I've had the most awesome time here. I even took an extra day off work (gotta love saved vacation days) today just to spend more time with them. They also welcomed the extra day with me.

Last night we had Papa John's and watched Bible Black on DVD (English voice-over version, no subtitles) while we had our range of tasty adult beverages (Metal had gin and juice, I had Great Lakes Conway's Irish Ale, and Konran had Mountain Dew Amp...or was it an M-80?). It was great to just hang out, chill, and just spend good times with my furry friends. It's times like this weekend that help me to continue to appreciate the relationships in my life and how much they mean to me. I've told K and MW more than once this weekend that I'm gonna miss them like mad. I'll be moving far off and don't know when I'll get to see them again. Things will be a lot different when I settle in Idaho.

Touching on a philosophical/reflective/contemplative mood here, it's funny how time works in my favor on occasion, yet it constantly reminds me how it is always in control. It never stops, not even for me. Yea, it may feel once in a while like it slows down long enough to savor some of the sweeter moments, but it must continue moving forward. No matter how much I may wish it with all my heart and soul, even beg in useless prayer some nights, I can't make any moment last forever. Unfortunately I haven't come to truly appreciate it with seasoned wisdom 'til I hit my 30's, but at least it's not too late to take my life by the cajones and love it for what it is - short. I make it a point to tell all my friends how much I love them and what they mean to me. Isn't that what we all like to hear at least now and then - that we mean something to someone out there? I'm grateful to at least have heard it from a few folks. On that same note, it's always reassuring to know my family loves me, but to make a special connection to someone who's not flesh and blood to me....it's something else altogether.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am really looking forward to moving. I couldn't ask for a better friend with whom to be sharing living space. Haelkentrellek has been there for me through good times and all the bad. If you know anything about me or have even so much as kept up, congratulations. You know I've had a shit-ton of bad times this year. Though I haven't know Trellek that long (just about six months), I've discovered he and I share a lot of common bonds. He's definitely a friend who touches a soul like no one else, and I'll leave it at that. In any case, I can only hope that I can adapt quickly to a place I've never seen or stepped foot in before. I suppose it's mostly financial concerns like finding a job, starting over, paying bills/current debts that I already have on top of trying to rebuild savings and preparing for retirement at a rather late point in my life. I've had a few ask me why I want to move and leave everything secure and familiar to me at this point. All I can think to say with my own lips is it's time to move on. There's not much left for me in Kentucky.

Well, I guess I'm done rambling for now. I just want to tell my friends and whoever actually reads my LJ entries to keep your friends as close to you as you can. Call them on the phone, write an email, hell even send a letter or postcard. Just keep in touch. You never know when you'll need them the most, or when they'll need a friend like you.
May. 8th, 2008 @ 11:27 pm Facing the death of a parent
About this Entry
Current Location: home
Current Mood: unnerved
Current Music: "Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" - Gladys Knight & The Pips
Tags: ,
I've had a lot of relatives die over the years. Nearly all of them I've never really been close to. Great aunts, great uncles, distant cousins I've maybe met once in my life, etc. But death has decided to pay a visit right next door.

Mom's been in the hospital for a couple of days now. The doctor just told her this morning that her kidneys are going to completely fail. It's just a matter of when. They're going to put her on the nationwide donor request list. In the meantime, they've mentioned dialysis. Now, I've never experienced anything like this and frankly...I'm not sure how to handle it. Unnerved is a really good word to describe me right now. I mean, this is the woman in my life I've always known as mom. She's the only parent I have in my life (dad left us when I was 5 and lil bro was 2). The one who raised us on nursing home and factory wages with the assistance of welfare and other government programs. Hell, it was all we had growing up poor for most of our lives. Yet through all the financial struggles, scraping to make life better for her two children, she never gave up on us. Never abandoned us. She shed a lot of tears over the years, but any god as my witness she made sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table. Bless that woman.

She's also a rock in our family as a whole. My grandparents are ailing in health these days and she helps care for them through housework and running errands. Meanwhile their house deteriorates around them, the embankment in front of it that is eroding at a rather rapid rate threatening to consume it. Now, their main source of aid is in need of aid of her own. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've been through so many things of my own and I'm still a mess from them. I have no one to reach out to, so I just let things run their course through my mind and I function day by day. It's all I can do, and that's not saying much of anything.

I just have so many things running through my mind. I don't know what I'll do when 'that' time comes. I know I haven't been the son I could be. I don't see her as often as I probably should. I could call more often to just say hi and not just to see if she's feeling well. My being gay can't be easy on her even if she does put up a happy front. I fear for what will happen to my grandparents if she goes before they do. Mom has 5 siblings, only one of which regularly keeps in contact and that is the one that lives with her, a sister/my aunt. And of course, I worry about everyone's finances, a lot of which are not existent. Rural life is not a prosperous one.

Anyway, I need prayers, lifting thoughts, something to hold onto - be it ever so intangible. I have no physical companionship, so I'll have to be very creative with the imagination for now.

Oh, and my divorce was final as of lunchtime today. Lovely.
May. 1st, 2008 @ 05:01 pm 2-month anniversary, but not one to celebrate
About this Entry
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: "Just For Today" by George Harrison
It occurred to me earlier today that it's the 2-month anniversary of my separation from my wife. Two months ago today, around 5 hours ago, she kicked me out and I've been at my current residence ever since. I was having an ok day til I remembered that little factoid. Well, actually I was having a less shitty day since I already had something else on my mind. Now I'm going to lie down for a while and hopefully sleep off some added depression, as the weight of what I already had is heavy enough.

Our divorce will be finalized May 8. Should be interesting to see how we both are on that day.
Apr. 17th, 2008 @ 10:00 pm (no subject)
About this Entry
Current Mood: listlesslistless
My first entry, and it's not even a positive one. Why is that? I've decided to use LJ as my personal forum for issues that I don't feel should go in my FA journal. Although I've already posted an item or two of rather personal nature, from now I'll use LJ for that.

I had planned to type out a lot of detail on what's happened, is happening, and is going to happen in my life, but now I've just grown tired. I may edit this entry later, but for now I will just say a few words. Those who already know me probably have an idea why I say this. Hell, who knows. Who cares. Anyway...

If I can't change things in my life for the better by this Christmas, I will kill myself.